I love ya, but you need to go: A mental health journey

See that thing in the corner of your room? That is forever in your peripheral? That just stands there.  Haunting you. Taunting you. It's that big elephant in the room, wearing a pink tutu and a fake smile, destroying the entire china shop all the while farting distain and pooping heartbreak. 

You're welcome for the visual. Let's continue. 

A year ago, I had to walk away from two people that I completely adored. Family members that I loved to my core, giving them nothing short of my complete unconditional love, time, faithfulness, energy and belief. Yet they chose to wash that all away with one stupid, unwarranted, disrespectful act that would destroy everything we had. 

No need to go into tedious details, because I don't feel the need to throw these people under the bus. I refuse to bow down to their level. I am better than that. 

With one, it started with words and accusations. Words so shocking and hurtful. When I asked for receipts, they couldn't give me any. I am fully aware of the things I say at all times. That's all part of being a cognitive, functional human being. So when someone tries to say things that never were true, I'll get a bit feisty. I may be tiny in stature, but I'll nip at your ankles and fight back. These throwing of stones and their lack of their integrity caused a ripple in our personal relationship, which eventually affected our entire family ocean. Things haven't been the same since, and won't ever be copacetic until an explanation and apology are given. 

The other involves behavior. I consider myself a great judge of character. Yet when someone does something I consider out of character, I'm shocked. Especially when their outburst is aimed at me, without rhyme or reason. A situation of wrong time, wrong place. And they expected me to just sit there and be fine with it, when the whole time I'm waiting for a camera crew to jump out because I'm convinced I'm being punked. Like, for real?! Is this really happening?!?! But this bad behavior wasn't aimed strictly at me, it was shared amongst others. Just to add insult to injury. To the point where I'm left apologizing for the shitshow that just occurred. Humiliation to the core.

I spent days, weeks, months afterward begging for an explanation, all the while trying to break down everything in my head. Did I do or say something in these situations to cause this? Have I done something so out of character that fueled these ridiculous scenarios?? Am I really the asshole that is being presented, without my knowledge??? Did I black out???? Again, what the HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!

Eventually, hindsight kicked in. After multiple talks with others, and my therapist mind you, I began to realize a few things. 

1. I may never get an explanation for the disturbing behavior of others, no matter how hard I beg. 

2. Trying to figure out things to the point of complete depression is not going to solve shit. It may just drag me down that rabbit hole I'm oh so familiar with. A hole I may never be able to climb out of again. 

3. These particular outbursts have nothing to do with me. These are people that are so upset with their own poor life choices that they feel the need to take out their frustrations on others. People that use the art of displacement piss the hell out of me. Don't do that. Grow up. Own your shit. 

4. At my ripe age, I refuse to entertain bad behavior. I can, and will, walk away. I'm a bit busy licking wounds from my recent divorce, rebuilding my life, running a home and raising a proper young man. My own mental health is paramount. If I need to let you go to secure that, guess what? These boots were made for walking...

5. A year later, neither party has reached out to me. Their silence speaks volumes. If my absence doesn't affect them, my presence never mattered. 'Nuff said. I will always love these people and wish them nothing but the best in life. But I will be doing this as I wave from the sidelines. 

In the process, I have shed several layers of skin and reached a dangerous level of freedom. I've decided to put myself first and am feeling better than ever. The elephant has officially left the room. 

Namaste, my friends.