Dating After 50: Welcome To The Shitshow

So you've already gone through the terror of a slow burning marriage, the horror of years in divorce court, then the soul crushing years afterwards of re-building every aspect of your life. So what else is left to do? 

Let's try dating. Again. This time, on multiple sites. Because why not flush your self-esteem and complete lack of hope in humanity even further into the toilet. Not to sound like a Debbie-Downer (yea that totally did, who am I kidding?), so let me explain the 5 biggest reasons why online dating at 50 sucks. 

1. The cost of dating sites: Yea, I understand that it costs money to host a website. I've been in the social media industry for decades, I get it. But nowadays, to choose to either pay your electric bill or talk to random strangers on the internet that may or may not be serial killers is daunting. The last time I was single and met some guy on a dating site I eventually married and that...ugh...well, never mind. And now Match wants to charge me a car payment each month to possibly meet my next Someone Special? Um, yea, no. I'd rather be happily single with money in the bank, thankyouverymuch. 

2. Current photos: I can't tell you how many times I've met men in person who looked NOTHING like their profile pictures, only to later admit that photo was taken 10 years ago...3 relationships and 70 pounds ago. Like, really dude?! False representation should be a crime in this case. My pics on any site are no more than 6 months old, and my profile is an accurate statement of who I am and what I'm looking for. I'm not Willy Wonka, I don't sugarcoat shit. What you literally see is what you get, not some version of whom I was at a NKOTB concert in 1997. 

3. Conversation: As a writer, I'm naturally inquisitive. If I'm interested in you, I'll ask you questions to get to know you better. But apparently in this world, the gift of gab is lost. When I try to engage these guys by asking casual questions about their day, I usually get one word answers. How was your day? Fine. Any plans for the weekend? No. Looking forward to the football season? Sure. Do you think you could possibly put a few words together to form a complete sentence? <crickets creaking>...Yea, thought so. NEXT!

4. My wife and I are looking for a friend: Oh furfuckssake. Need I say more? NEXT! 

5. Location: In my profiles, I clearly state that I'm looking for someone local, within a 20 mile radius, so neither one of us have to drive redonkulous miles to meet up for dinner, drinks or a movie. I'm spontaneous, flexible, if I'm free I'm more than happy to meet you somewhere. So guess who chooses to contact me 80% of the time??? Yep. The guys that live in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STATE! Apparently, I'm a hot commodity in Wisconsin, Minnesota and Texas. They're chomping at the bit for a date...UGH. At first I played it nice, saying Hi, thank you but that would be quite the commute for a date, teehee! Some get the hint. Others I have to hit with a cast-iron. Did you not read my profile? Did you see I'm in the Chicagoland area and am looking for someone local? Can you read? ARE YOU DUMB?! Again, the crickets be acreaking.  

So, anyone else have some interesting dating stories to share? Comment below, join the shitshow!