Blarch #2 - A subtle manifesto of aging

 BLARCH. 

The title still makes me laugh out loud. 

Yes, deep down inside, I have the mindset of a 14 year old boy...whom I currently live with that thinks farting in my direction is a source of entertainment. Meh. 

Anyhoo...today's vlog is sponsored by the letter M. As in menopause. The big M. The change of life. Whatever the hell they call in nowadays. I really don't care. It all sucks all the same. 

I honestly wish someone would have given me a handbook of being a middle-aged woman. No one - NOT ONE WOMAN IN MY LIFE ever warned me of the shit I'm going through. 

Yes, I'm angry. I'm a tad bitter. Fuck you. Get off my lawn. 

#1 - The Night Sweats - My whole young life I've been a stomach sleeper, until I got pregnant. Both times. I had to completely change my sleep positions to fit my situation. Ok, fine. I adjusted. But then suddenly in my late-40's, I became a rotisserie chicken. I flip and flop positions all night. I'm hot, I'm cold. The comforter is on, then I kick it off. Then back on. Then thrown back off. The heat is on while the ceiling fan is at full speed. I wake up in a pool of my own sweat. It's disgusting. 

#2 - The Menobelly - Yes, apparently this is a real thing. At 5'2, I've always been a slip of a thing. But now, when I gain any weight, it goes straight to my belly. The bloat is real. I could pass as someone 5 months along. Again, gross. I did not sign up for this. 

#3 - Aunt Flo - She's a bitch. She has total control of your lady bits and has her own game plan. And like most family members, she'll disappear for a few month then one day show up at your porch unannounced with a bottle of wine, ready to party. WOOHOO! Grab a glass and dust off your tampons, bitch! 

#4 - Acne - Seriously? I thought that whole hormone thing was done as a teen. But ooohhh noooo, now it will pop up (pun intended) later in life because WHY NOT?! She already can't sleep, is bloated and bleeds unpredictably, let's throw this into the mix. Fun times! 

#5 - Thinning hair - My trademark has always been my crazy curls. I use to curse my hair, wishing for smooth, flowing locks. Hair I could work with, hair I could control. I've spent thousands of dollars over the decades paying for products and appliances that would help me gain that control. Nothing worked. Until now. As soon as I turned 50, my hair did a 360. I can't hold a curl if I tried. This is a whole new mindset I'm getting use to. 

Can anyone relate? Please share. And be sure to subscribe. More shit coming to your inbox tomorrow. 




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