Blapril - Welcome To The Jungle

So, I officially failed at Blarch (see previous blog), so let's try this shit again in April. 

March was a rough month, filled with ambiguity, as is most life. But last month was extra special because she had no idea where she would end up. I threw myself out there like a hooker on dollar day and hoped for the best. 

Yes, progress was made and I'm now in a (sorta) better place then last month. I'll share those details throughout the month. 

But as I already teased, April holds a special place in my heart, for reasons some may not celebrate. 

4 years ago this month, I regained my freedom. After sitting in divorce court for 18 months hashing out deplorable details in said room, the judge lowered his gavel and ended it all. 

Thank. God.

I wanted this shit done LONG before that. But the other petty party chose otherwise. As is life as a narcissist...I guess. 

Did any of you play the game with your parents where if you didn't get what you wanted, you would hold your breath? Yea...I did that, for a year and a half. So when that judge granted my divorce, I walked out of the court room feeling great. Until I hit the courthouse steps outside leading to the parking lot. 

I literally imploded. A guttural sound I've never heard before left my body and I collapsed in a fit of tears. Right there, on the cement. People walked around me, probably not sure what was happening nor what to do, but there I was. Complete mental breakdown. 

I'm thankful I had someone with me to literally pick me up and escort me to the car. 

Upon years of therapy and hind site, I realize that my reaction was a mixture of fear, anxiety and release. Yes, it is possible to feel that all at once. I no longer had to live with an abusive partner that paralyzed me in so many ways for over a decade...yet now I had to figure how to re-build a new life. For the second time. With now a second kid. 

Talk about a mind fuck. 

The 4 year anniversary of my independence is coming up on the 23rd. Not that I'm counting...hehe. 

Be sure to subscribe, I'll be doing this all month. Curious - would you like me to add some live footage throughout?? Let me know your thoughts.